Why we seek revenge — and what to do instead

For nearly as long as humans have interacted with one another, they have sought vengeance. A signal meant to deter offenders (and would-be offenders) from harming you again, revenge is a response to wrongdoing that has been observed in practically every culture. (Yes, even chimpanzees and elephants have shown vengeful tendencies.) Revenge is retaliatory in nature and can be levied in both personal and impersonal circumstances: against an ex, the company you work for, a stranger who cut in front of you in line at the grocery store. The goal of vengeful acts is to communicate hurt: to show that ex how betrayed you feel, to display your aggravation at being passed over for a promotion. The act of revenge may be grand, like the destruction of property, or mundane, such as leaving a poor review of a restaurant or not answering a text from someone who’s annoyed you. These retaliations can be calculated or spur of the moment. --- Do you have a question or idea for Even Better? Submit it by filling out this form. --- The evolutionary basis of revenge stems from our ancestors’ desire to maintain order. When acts of aggression, like murder and theft, were met with similar acts, the original perpetrator would be discouraged from committing such violence again. On a primal level, this makes sense: Hurt the person hurting you so they can’t hurt you any further. The central motivation for revenge is believing in a just world, says Fade Eadeh, an assistant professor of psychology at Seattle University. In a just world, “good things happen to good people,” he says, “and bad things happen to bad people.” When something not-so-good happens to you, a supposedly good person, you may be compelled to even the score. However, retaliation can cause as many problems as it purports to solve. While interpersonal revenge can be functional, in contemporary societies it can trigger a cycle of potentially violent (not to mention potentially illegal) acts. But suppressing thoughts of revenge may cause them to rebound. So what to do? At the risk of perpetuating an overwrought cliche, the best revenge, experts say, is a life well-lived. Why revenge feels so good — but not for long As opposed to random acts of aggression, revenge is provoked. It is a choice to get back at someone who wronged you, to take back power that was stripped from you. Because vengeance-seekers feel justified in their actions, getting even can feel pleasurable. Researchers have two theories for why revenge is so sweet. It is inherently satisfying to see the person who harmed you suffer. Additionally, they must understand why they’re on the receiving end of an act of vengeance. When the transgressor recognizes they’ve pained you, they (ideally) will make amends. “When [revenge] goes right, it triggers remorse and guilt, and a need for the other person to fix things,” says Stephen Yoshimura, a professor of communication studies at the University of Montana. “But a lot of times, because things don’t get explained or there’s a lot of misunderstanding about what exactly is the situation ... they just respond with counter-retaliation. That’s where things start to get out of hand.” Other times, you may not be present to witness the transgressor experiencing your revenge (such as when leaving negative online reviews) and are left in the dark as to whether the vengeance was successful. Revenge is pleasurable on a biological level, too. In studies, when people perform retaliatory acts of aggression, there is activity in brain regions associated with reward. However, the satisfaction is short-lived. “In general, that’s how reward works,” says David Chester, an associate professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University. “You get it for a little while, and it fades very quickly.” Social emotions like guilt, shame, and embarrassment may also tamp down any pleasure derived from transgressive behaviors like vengeance, Chester says. In this comedown period, people, especially those with sadistic tendencies, may be motivated to seek revenge again, he says. “There does seem to be this emotional cycle of revenge: Momentary reward, quick decay, and then this little bit of the hangover that may then motivate people to go back into the cycle, and maybe reinforce it,” Chester says. “Next thing you know, you’re someone who’s doing vengeful things quite often.” The fine line between effective and harmful revenge Constructive revenge is incredibly subjective, Yoshimura says, and is based on the revenge-taker’s goals. However, the punishment must be “both effective and appropriate,” Yoshimura says. Maybe you want to get even with a friend who didn’t invite you to her bachelorette party by leaving her off the guest list for yours. If you made vaguely aggressive posts about the offender on social media instead, the friend may be confused as to the reason. “Now this person can’t understand what they did because you just completely obliterated them,” Chester says. “It has to be clear so that they can get the communicative intent behind the retaliatory action.” Mundane forms of retaliation can teach a lesson more clearly than ignoring the transgressor’s wrongdoing, says Susan Boon, a psychology professor at the University of Calgary. Especially in romantic relationships where people may fail to bring up seemingly minor issues, everyday revenge can communicate your pain. For instance, if your partner fails to return a phone call, you may choose to give them the cold shoulder for a day. Message received. (This isn’t a particularly healthy relationship dynamic. The most effective way to let your partner know you’re upset with them is to tell them.) Even for larger offenses that people sweep under the rug, an act of vengeance signals something’s gone awry. “If someone has wronged you and wronged you,” Boon says, “and you forgive and you forgive and forgive, and there are never any negative consequences, how is that person even supposed to know that their behavior is a problem for you if you don’t make it clear somehow?” Revenge can speak louder than words. Sometimes forgiveness isn’t as compelling if your goal is to change someone’s behavior, Boon says. Although revenge can clearly convey a point, the reality of vengeance is not so sweet or straightforward. The problem with revenge For obvious reasons, experts don’t recommend revenge as a first line of defense. Any act of interpersonal aggression, passive aggression, hurt, and especially violence and illegal acts should never supersede a conversation. (If you are the victim of abuse or a crime or you are not in a position to have a safe conversation, do not seek retaliation. Enlist professional help, whether that’s a therapist, law enforcement, or a mediator.) The problem is, many people fail to predict potential consequences of their retaliation. “People are not good at recognizing that revenge makes them feel bad,” Eadeh says. Ruminating about and plotting a future act of revenge may diminish the revenge-taker’s eventual satisfaction, he continues. Take a moment to think through all potential outcomes of the revenge, Eadeh suggests, and spend time in the space between the transgression and your possible response. Sure, sharing disparaging remarks about a supposedly lazy coworker to other colleagues may feel satisfying in the moment, but outsiders’ view of you might sour. Even worse, slashing the tires of a driver who scratched your car in a parking lot could escalate into physical violence. However difficult it may be, try giving the other party the benefit of the doubt, Boon says. What might have caused them to act this way? Perhaps there were circumstances beyond their control. Talk through your feelings with a level-headed friend or mental health professional who may be able to see the situation objectively and can offer less risky ways of moving forward. Harboring feelings of resentment occupies time and energy; freeing yourself of the urge to get even is one victimless way of restoring power. Chester suggests finding non-harmful ways to communicate how someone mistreated you. This can be as simple as telling the transgressor how much their comment or behavior hurt you. “As long as you feel like the other party gets it, they understood what they did to you, they feel remorse for it, especially if they express manifest actions and commitments that they won’t do it again and they will try and undo some of the harm they did,” Chester says, “people don’t want vengeance anymore.” If you still feel the urge to even the score, use motivating, vengeful desires to positive ends: going for a walk, signing up for an art class, doing a DIY home project, scheduling a get-together with friends. Anything that denies the transgressor the satisfaction of seeing you upset is a result far sweeter than revenge. “By virtue of focusing on making your life good, you’ve thwarted their attempts at hurting you,” Chester says. There is, of course, another option: forgiveness. This noble alternative, the choice to move on, breaks the cycle of revenge. Consider how you’d like to be treated in the face of wrongdoing and put forth that grace to another. Forgiveness doesn’t mean the transgressor’s actions were permissible, Boon says, but you don’t need to remain shackled to the hurt they caused. What’s needed, she says, is “severing the ties between the harm they did — and then saying you’re not going to let it affect you.”