Posts Tagged angry frothing rants

Give Peace A Chance

Watch this video.

Fuck this tea.

This tea is pissing on John Lennon’s grave, and the memory of every hippie who stood up to oppose war in the name of capitalism and imperialism. For the record, I have looked for examples that this tea is using the word peace as more than just an advertising slogan. I have looked for works of altruism and activism that they have performed. Nothing. Just perverted quotes about peace from leaders like John Lennon and Martin Luther King. If I believed in sacrilege, this tea would be it.

Peace tea company is whoring out the corpse of the hippie movement, and when you buy and consume peace tea, you are the John.

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Saving The Environment

In honor of the Deepwater Horizon disaster, I’d like to share with you some tips for saving the environment that I found in a magazine.

Yay! Everything is going to be okay now!

But of course it’s not. No matter how many of your electronic devices you unplug, mountains in West Virginia are still going to be strip-mined for coal to put the electricity on the wires. No matter how often you turn off your car instead of idling it, there have already been thousands of spills in the Niger Delta (just to name one place). All of these tips might be meaningful ways to conserve a resource that was being obtained in an environmentally sound way, but when environmental damage is built into the system, focusing on conservation is cold comfort.

Environmental damage is not occurring because you and every other American left your car idling; it’s occurring because we’ve built a society in which nearly everyone must have a car in order to survive above the poverty line.

Environmental damage is not occurring because you left your cell phone charger plugged in; it’s occurring because we build houses with no thought towards natural heating or cooling, and then the only option is to run 3000 watt air conditioning units every day of the year to keep the temperature at 68-72 degrees.

Environmental damage is not occurring because you eat too much cow and not enough fish; it’s occurring because we expect to have strawberries in December and mango and pineapple in Detroit, and so airliners deliver them from Hawaii and Chile every fucking morning.

These are the things that would have to change in order to “save” the environment. You cannot “save” the environment by doing the things on that list, because those things are not what is harming the environment.

When I see lists like this, I wonder whether their real effect is to distract me. If I think that I’m doing something meaningful by turning off my engine when I get out of the car, I will be derailed from thinking about actually meaningful actions that I might perform.

Just to be clear, I still think there are good reasons to conserve, I just don’t think that “saving the environment” is one of them. For one thing, conservation may make you less personally dependent on the energy that is being derived in a harmful way. This makes you more open to actions that reduce the availability of that energy, which many non-harmful options do.

For your enjoyment, here is a funny video from Derrick Jensen, talking about meaningful environmental actions.

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Reality Has Jumped The Shark: Cordless Power Grill Brush

I’ve decided to start a type of post called, “Reality Has Jumped The Shark.” For those of you who aren’t familiar with the phrase, here’s the Wikipedia entry.

Jumping the shark is an idiom used to describe the moment of downturn for a previously successful enterprise. The phrase was originally used to denote the point in a television program‘s history where the plot spins off into absurd story lines or unlikely characterizations. The expression was popularized in 1985 by Jonathan M. Hein, who would later create the web site jumptheshark.com (which now redirects to TVGuide.com). Hein explained the concept as follows: “It’s a moment. A defining moment when you know that your favorite television program has reached its peak. That instant that you know from now on…it’s all downhill.

This post, I present to you the cordless power grill brush.

I literally stood and stared in bemusement at this product for three minutes or so. Let’s just be clear here. Originally, humans cooked meat by barbecuing it in a large pit over coals. This involved: 1) catching a big animal and killing it; 2) digging a big hole with primitive hand tools; 3) chopping enough wood to line the hole; 4) making fire by hand. You can understand that was a lot of trouble to go to, so various improvements made the whole process more convenient. The invention of the barbecue grill. The invention of charcoal briquettes. But even briquettes were too much hassle, so propane was substituted. Meanwhile, on the whole, “procuring meat” front, industrial food production makes it possible to walk into the store and buy a big hunk of beast with no more trouble or inconvenience than wiping your ass.

And somewhere, someone at the end of this process looks at his or her dirty grill and thinks, “FUCK! MOVING MY ARM BACK AND FORTH WITH A BRUSH IN MY HAND? THAT’S FOR CHUMPS!!!

Reality has jumped the shark.

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Retail Commentary Quickie

I keep meaning to write deep, in-depth posts about these images, and they keep piling up on my phone, so here’s a quick dump. Imagine that I kept ranting for another ten lines about each one and you’ll get the full experience. You can probably copy-and-paste some of my older posts without disrupting continuity too much. It’s like Mad Libs!

“Bikini Ready” by May 1 or in just four weeks? Fuck you for implying that there is an arbitrary physical standard outside of which a body is not “ready” for a “bikini.” Fuck you twice for lying about your magazine’s ability to bring people into compliance with that standard in an arbitrarily short amount of time. My body is “bikini ready” the moment I decide to put on a bikini.

“Get my body back?” Where did it go?! You’d think I would have noticed! Fuck you for implying that my fat, flabby, middle-aged body is not “mine.” No matter what its physical condition, this is my body and I love it. I had better, because I am going to be in it until I die, and I can’t think of anything more miserable than spending my entire life in a body that I hate. Spending my entire life in a culture that encourages me to hate my body is up there, though.

“Guilt-free” food? Is there a moral component to my food choices that I’m missing? If you’re referring to feeling guilty about the terrible ways that animals are treated in industrial food processing, then I’m on board, but I bet you’re not.

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Muffin Critique

A web page using a plug-in to auto-generate “related posts” created a ping-back to my previous post about how to recognize a Muffin. The web page contained a recipe for raisin bran muffins and, I assume, some ads, although I wouldn’t know because I use the free and easy-to-use AdBlock Plus plug-in for Firefox, which means I basically never see web-based advertising.

I read the recipe, and though it was worthy of critique. I should note, before I begin, that I haven’t actually made the recipe, so my critique is entirely theoretical. If you think that’ll stop me, you haven’t been reading very long.

Preheat oven to 400°F/200°C. Grease 18 standard muffin cups with butter or butter-flavored nonstick cooking spray; fill the unused cups one-third full with water to prevent warping.

Let me just start off by saying that all muffin recipes should make multiples of 12 muffins, because all muffin pans made since the beginning of history have held 12 muffins. Yes, I know there are mini-muffin tins and giant-muffin tins, but the standard muffin tin has 12 muffins. If I’m going to make 18 muffins, it’s no more trouble to make 24 and fill the second pan. Who the hell says, “12 muffins… not enough, but 24… too many! I’ll make 18!”

In a bowl, stir together the flour, bran flakes, raisins, wheat germ, baking soda, baking powder and salt.

So far so good. The dry ingredients get mixed together, per Alton’s Muffin Method.

In another bowl, using an electric mixer on medium speed or a wooden spoon, cream together the butter, brown sugar and honey until fluffy.

You may have seen the instruction, “cream together butter and sugar,” and wondered what it meant. Creaming is a process whereby sugar is gradually beaten into butter that is just barely soft, but not runny. What happens is that the sharp edges of the sugar crystals create lots and lots of tiny “seed bubbles” of air in the butter. These “seed bubbles” expand during baking to create the kind of tender, fine-grained texture of a good cake. Now then, you can cream granulated white sugar and you can cream brown sugar, but what you absolutely cannot cream is a liquid, because there are no crystals, and hence no sharp edges to create seed bubbles. And a liquid is what honey is. So right off the bat, the recipe’s author reveals a lack of understanding of what it means to “cream,” a basic baking technique. I am immediately suspicious of the recipe!

Beat in the yogurt, then the buttermilk and vanilla, until well blended and smooth.

I can’t for the life of me figure out why the recipe calls for both unflavored yogurt and buttermilk. My experience has been that the two are totally interchangeable in basically all recipes. If you were to eat or drink them by the spoonful, you could tell the difference for sure, but weight-for-weight and volume-for-volume, they bake up the same. Many times I have made biscuits with yogurt because I was out of buttermilk, or muffins with buttermilk because I was out of yogurt. My hunch is that this is an unnecessary complexity added simply to make the recipe seem more subtle and complex, or to make the recipe’s author feel like an epicurean. I doubt you could tell the difference between a muffin made with 100% buttermilk, 100% yogurt, or the yogurt/buttermilk mix called for in the recipe.

Make a well in the center of the flour mixture and add the butter mixture and the eggs.

When a recipe calls for creaming butter and sugar, it is tending towards being a cake (in this case, a cupcake). A characteristic of the creaming method is that the recipe usually goes: cream together fat(s) and sugar(s); add in liquids; add in dry ingredients in small batches. This is not arbitrary; because you’re working with a solid fat, the wet mixture will require extra mixing if you add it to the dry mixture all at once. This will form gluten, making your baked good rubbery and tough, and will also disturb all those wonderful seed bubbles that you created during the creaming step.

On the other hand, with a muffin, the fat is liquid, and so there’s no real down-side to dumping the wet mixture into the dry mixture and mixing just until they combine.

The author of this recipe, however, is confused, and doesn’t know whether he or she is making a muffin or a cake. You creamed the butter like a cake, but now you’re dumping the wet into the dry like a muffin. It’s just all wrong.

Oh, and by the way, why the hell didn’t you add the eggs in with the other wet ingredients? Why mix them in afterwards, necessitating more mixing and, hence, more gluten formation? Again, the recipe’s author seems confused. Adding the eggs slowly, separately from other wet ingredients, is characteristic of the creaming method that’s used to make most cakes, but it’s done immediately after creaming and before the introduction of the other wet ingredients. I will say this, however: if you had added the eggs to the dry ingredients before the other wet ingredients, it would have been a mess, so at least I agree with that decision.

Here’s what this recipe needs to fix itself. First, it needs to decide whether it’s making a cupcake or a muffin. If it’s a cupcake, then you should cream the butter, then add the eggs one at a time, then maybe the honey, then mix all the wet ingredients together separately and add them. Mix the dry ingredients separately and add them slowly to the wet mixture in several batches. Probably, the bran flakes should be kept out of the dry ingredients because they’re so chunky and won’t mix in well. They can be added as the last step, after all the dry ingredients have been incorporated.

On the other hand, if it’s a muffin, things get very simple. You’ll melt the butter or substitute it for an equal amount by weight of vegetable oil. Mix all the wet ingredients. Mix all the dry ingredients. Add the wet to the dry and mix just until combined.

It’s possible that there are very subtle and important reasons for this particular recipe being the way it is. It’s possible that this recipe’s author carefully tested variants of the recipe, and found that this one was definitively the best. But most of the time, there are reasons that recipes tend to follow certain paths, and recipes that deviate wildly or veer between several methods willy-nilly are often just the result of ignorant authors.

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