How to talk to boys so they grow into better men

Men are not okay. They’re less likely to graduate high school and go to college than women, have dwindling circles of friends, and are sitting out of the labor market at startling rates. Compared with women, they’re two to three times likelier to die of drug overdoses and nearly four times likelier to die by suicide. The disadvantages are particularly marked for working-class men and men of color. The problem begins in boyhood — and so should the solution, says award-winning health educator Christopher Pepper, writer of the Teen Health Today newsletter and co-author of the forthcoming book Talk To Your Boys. In his view, a future where men are healthier and happier starts with better conversations with boys. Technology has made those conversations harder to have. Back when family phones were in kitchens or living rooms — and casual communication usually involved talking to each other — more of the conversations kids were having with their friends and peers happened within earshot of parents and teachers. That gave adults more opportunities to coach kids on how to talk to each other, says Pepper. Now, kids learn to communicate on cell phones and social media largely out of view of adults during the key years they’re building social skills. Boys suffer the social consequences of that more because while adults typically emphasize social skills in teaching girls how to interact with each other, there’s less of an imperative to guide boys in that way, Pepper says. That might explain why researchers have found that on average, girls demonstrate better social skills than boys as early as kindergarten — and that advantage widens over the course of elementary school as boys’ social abilities decline. “Boys often don’t really learn the basics of social relationships and responsibility and communication,” says Pepper. Social skills adults may take for granted, like all the steps involved in making plans to meet a friend, are skills that aren’t necessarily taught. The consequences for boys aren’t good: As they grow up, they often lose close friendships with other boys, even though they really want them. The absence of clear guidance for many boys on how to be and act creates massive opportunities for internet misogynists like Andrew Tate, says Pepper. “Tate has figured out that boys are actually really interested in talking about gender, talking about masculinity, and thinking about what it means to be a successful man,” says Pepper. Many boys don’t get much other messaging on these issues from their families or schools, leaving a void easily filled by charismatic jerks. Bad behavior among students is worse now than it was pre-pandemic, perhaps especially among boys. Although the causes are unclear, adults often blame increased social isolation and screen time, plus the popularity of figures like Tate and the viral spread of various dumb TikTok trends. On a broader scale, though, Tate’s popularity shows what boys are missing, says Pepper: “There’s a real opening for adults to step up to more positive conversations about masculinity and what it means to be a man, and how they would like men to be in the world.” I asked Pepper what those conversations could and should look like. Below is what he told me, in his own words, edited for length and clarity. Make it clear you’re a trustworthy adult before you need to have difficult conversations Depression, suicide, substance abuse — these can be scary things to learn about or to talk about. Sometimes adults have the impulse to rush into a conversation about a difficult topic and be very prescriptive and authoritarian — to say, “These are all the things you should not do.” But shame and judgment tend to really shut off conversation. So instead, I would lean into curiosity in conversations before you get to the difficult stuff. When a boy invites you into his world, even in a little way, take that opening. Like if he’s talking about a song, or a funny meme, or a video game that he’s playing that he loves, be curious about it. And really listen, reflect back what he’s saying. Make sure you’re understanding where he’s coming from, and just do what you can to keep those conversations open so that when more challenging topics come up, you still have those lines of communication open — you’re still interested in hearing from each other. Model, celebrate, and reinforce taking care of other people and experiencing a full range of emotions — especially if you’re a father Another thing you can do — and this is especially for fathers, but really, for any parents — is be reflective on your own life: Are you making time to actually see your friends and be a good support, and to let the boys in your life see you doing that? Do you talk about your friends and the people you care about? One of the things that happens as boys are growing up is they learn about a very restrictive version of masculinity, a list of things that you’re not allowed to do or say. Particularly around emotions: You’re allowed to be angry, and you might be able to cry if something’s really bad — like a sports team you’re on loses a really important game, or someone died. But part of being a full human is being able to access and express a fuller range of emotions. So for adults, it’s important to ensure it’s safe for boys to do that, that you’re not criticizing them or judging them for it. If you hear other kids making fun of them for showing their emotions, stick up for them and say, “Hey, it’s actually good and positive to be connected to your feelings and to be able to show them.” When boys are showing care and concern and support for other people, celebrate it in the same way that you might celebrate more traditional things that are celebrated for boys, like sports victories or catching a big fish. You want to celebrate when they care for friends or family, too — like, “I saw how responsible you were with your little sister today when she was upset and really helped our family get through dinner,” for example. Really recognize and celebrate those things. They might be coded as feminine, but they’re really life skills that will help them grow into men who are good fathers, good partners, and good friends. When conversations get complicated: Notice signals that they don’t understand, know your own mind, and get comfortable with do-overs When boys blame girls or feminism for the problems in the world, that’s a big red flag — it often happens when they learn about issues from social media. If you hear a boy talking along these lines, it’s a good moment to engage him in some critical thinking. But rather than saying, “Oh, you’re totally wrong,” try something like, “I was surprised to hear you say that. Can you tell me more about what you’re thinking?” And if they mention learning something from a video, you can ask them to watch the video together and talk about it. Boys often dismiss especially questionable or offensive statements as jokes — Peggy Orenstein got into this in her recent book, Boys & Sex. For example, they’ll say something about rape or the Holocaust and follow it up with, “Can’t you take a joke?” That’s often a signal that they want to learn more about something, or that they don’t understand it. It can make an impact when an adult takes those jokes seriously — especially when men do. You could say: “Joking about sexual harassment or rape is a red line, is not okay with me, and I want to tell you why.” For some boys, hearing from an adult man that the subject is serious and that they want to be able to talk about it — that will feel different than hearing it from a woman. Saying these things is a skill that gets easier with practice, and I think is an important thing for adults to get better at. When adults are having these conversations, it’s good for them to get clear about their own values. Think through what you believe about gender equality, yourself, and what you understand about racism or sexism or homophobia. Recognize they can be hard but important things to talk about. Being able to talk about these issues will be super useful to boys as they’re going through their lives. When they repeat things they hear online, they’ll be better able to decide if that’s something they actually believe. Remember that as a parent, you have lots of chances — so it’s OK if you get it wrong the first time! If you have a conversation that kind of goes sideways, you can come back to it and say, “Hey, we talked about this yesterday and I thought about it later and realized I kind of misspoke. I wonder if we can talk about that again.” You can apologize to young people for getting angry; you can ask for a do-over of tough conversations, for a do-over of trying to understand them. In fact, asking for a do-over helps model and develop self-reflection and taking responsibility for a mistake in a way that can help boys be successful in their own lives. Create places where boys can grow socially and emotionally More schools should have boys’ groups. It’s pretty easy for a boy to go through a whole school day and not talk to anyone, except maybe about the assignments that are due, or to maybe have some sort of surface-level conversation about a sports game or a video game. The surgeon general has said loneliness is a national crisis — but on the whole, schools haven’t been putting a lot of effort into the social and emotional lives of boys. Schools often don’t have spaces where boys can talk reflectively to other boys and talk to a trusted adult about what’s going on in their lives. When they create these spaces — groups where boys can talk to other boys about what it is like to be a boy today and what’s going on in their lives, and get help with the day-to-day struggles in navigating the social and emotional side of the world — boys love them. There are great models of this all over the place. A Canadian nonprofit called Next Gen Men has a free curriculum — in addition to their in-person groups, they have one online on Discord. In Oakland, where I live, there’s a group called the Ever Forward Club, and in New York, there’s A Call to Men, which has a free curriculum. Other programs engage coaches of boys’ sports teams in teaching healthy masculinity to their players. [See the sidebar below for more resources.] I’d like to see these kinds of programs expanded into more schools, just to encourage boys to really think about the world they’re living in, how they treat people, how to make friends, and to get support when they need it. --- Coaching programs: * Coaching Boys Into Men (from Futures Without Violence) * Teams of Men Free resource guides for running boys’ groups: * Live Respect (from A Call to Men) * Manhood 2.0 (from Equimundo) * Next Gen Manual (from Next Gen Men) Model programs: * NGM Boys+ Club (online on Discord) * The Ever Forward Club --- Even if you don’t live or work with boys, treating them like caring humans helps There are still lots of ways you can help boys develop into better men [if you’re not a parent or someone who works closely with them]. There are formal mentoring and tutoring programs, but on a more day-to-day basis, I think trying to recognize the humanity of boys is meaningful. Sometimes, the way adults talk about teenage boys, it’s like they’re really scary, or a different species. There are a lot of jokes about how terrible teenage boys are. It’s helpful if we recognize they’re human beings who will grow up to be men in our world. These are going to be our co-workers and neighbors. It’s often easier to build relationships with teenage boys individually, rather than trying to do so with a whole group of kids you don’t know. So treat them as individual people and be curious about them. That could mean building a mentoring relationship, but it could also mean hiring somebody for a job, like to be the dog walker, or thinking about boys as possibly being babysitters or people who can take care of things. I would encourage people to kind of check their stereotypes about who can do that kind of care work — it’s not only teenage girls who could be good babysitters. Recognize everybody’s different.