And now, a dose of retail commentary.

Does anybody else see just a tiny bit of irony in selling pepper spray that helps fund breast cancer research? “Caution: Severe skin and eye irritant.” Yes. And also helps fund cancer research? How many severe skin and eye irritants can say that? I’m looking at you, Dran-o.

I can say without the least bit of sarcasm that I loves me some Reese’s Puffs cereal. I also know the difference between breakfast food and candy, which is why I don’t eat them very often. I bake, so another difference that I know is the difference between whole grain and not-whole-grain. I tell you, whatever twisted logic has been used to put, “With whole grain guarantee,” on this box, what you are eating is, “whole grain,” like Horizon brand milk is “organic.” Oh, there may be a whole grain or two in there, but you’re still eating fucking candy drenched in milk. They even put the Hershey’s logo on there, but they made it really small so you’d still be fooled.

Oh, but the magazine aisle is where I really shine.

I’m confused. Am I supposed to “walk myself skinny” before, or after I “chase the chill away” with a humongous beef pot-pie?

I suppose I could “get slim, stay slim,” with an “all day eating plan that keeps the pounds off,” but does the “all day eating plan” include those yummy sugar cookies on the magazine’s cover?

Thank goodness I have already figured out how to “look pretty without spending any $$$.” Why, I’ve been doing those things for YEARS! I can’t remember the last time I spent money on my appearance, and I look GREAT. And as for “perfect hair, skin, and makeup for me?” Yes indeed. I have those too. It’s the skin, hair, and (lack of) makeup that I wake up with every day. It’s not the same skin, hair, makeup, and body that I see in the magazines and on TV. That would be someone else’s, which would hardly be perfect for me.

And let’s not even get into “what guys think of me.”

Let me throw out an idea for you. You will never be good enough for Media. You will never do it right enough for Media. Media will criticize you for not doing what you’re told, and if you do what you’re told, Media will criticize you for that. Media thinks you are a too-fat, too-skinny, too-average, too-pretty, too-ugly, too-forgettable, fucked-up big juicy pile of money to suck dry for $4.99 a month with promises of cures for being all of the things Media accuses you of being.

Now, what next?