I feel flustered when people wish me a Merry Christmas. I haven’t been any sort of Christian for a long time. I never know what to say. One time, I stammered, “No. None for me, thanks.” Another time, I said, “No thank you. But no hard feelings!”
When I respond these ways, the store clerk or cashier often looks confused, and I kind of feel bad. Then I thought, “That way they feel when I say, ‘no thanks,’ is exactly how I feel every time I’m wished a Merry Christmas. Confused. Not knowing what to say.”
People have said to me, “They’re just being friendly.” I think that’s the superficial intent, but the person’s response when they’re told, “no thanks,” reveals the true intent. If they say, “Oh, my mistake,” that’s fine, but if they get angry or outraged, then something else was in play, other than just friendliness.
And what was that thing that was in play? In my opinion, it’s the unspoken desire to perpetuate the fantasy that everyone in the world shares your religious beliefs and cultural practices. This is expressed in the question, “Why don’t you just say, ‘you too,’ or, ‘thanks,’ and leave it at that?” What this question asks me to do is to “pass“—to pretend to be something that I’m not—in order to save you the discomfort that would come from acknowledging me authentically.
When people say, “All you have to do is say, ‘thanks,’ or, ‘you too,’” what I hear is, “All you have to do is continue to support my incorrect belief that you are just like me in your religious beliefs and practices.” But doing that has effects beyond just December greetings. I have a whole lot of opinions that probably differ dramatically from the common conception of the “mainstream.” So do you. So does everybody! When I inform people that I’m not Christian and I don’t celebrate Christmas, I hope that I’m helping to break down the incorrect idea that everyone is just like them. I hope that plays out when it comes time to set public policy on issues like abortion, support for the military and police, drug prohibition, and so forth. If you believe that everyone is just like you, then it makes it easy to marginalize the “few outspoken” who disagree. But if people who are not like you expose that fact, it will turn out that most people are not like you in some significant ways, and I think that makes it harder to marginalize dissenting opinions.
Like Tyler Durden said, “You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.” You and I are probably more similar than we are different. If that wasn’t true, marketing and demographics wouldn’t be so effective. But we are also different in dramatic and significant ways, and by participating in the fantasy that we’re the same, we not only erode others’ ability to be themselves, we deny ourselves the ability to do the same.
#1 by kleer001 at December 23rd, 2009
eehhhh… I can see your point, kinda.
It all depends on the context. What contexts have this come up for you?
Responding “No thanks” to a “Merry Christmas” from the kid who packed your groceries is a different deal than the same exchange with an in-law or neighbor.
With someone you’ll not soon have a reasonably long discussion with a cheery “Thanks.” or “You too.” is essential to perpetuating good feelings and a smoothly functioning community. And you can be a rabid zen teacher going around hitting people with staffs and ringing bells, but that will get you some serious friction and some stink eye. With someone closer to you a “No, thank you.” and a follow up dialogue can actually help strengthen the relationship. I think (&hope) most people like sincere revelations with their community, knowing that their brother in law or neighbor down the block is an intelligent and forthright human that takes them seriously enough to have a deep discussion with.
#2 by Joshua Bardwell at December 23rd, 2009
I’ve had nothing but good reactions from people with whom I actually have a relationship. It’s specifically strangers with whom I feel the “no thanks” interaction is so important. I think that most people are perfectly capable of taking the preferences of someone they know into account. It’s the blanket assumption that everyone in public is Christian and celebrates Christmas that I want to point out doesn’t apply to me.
Why do you present “me pretending to be Christian” as what facilitates a “smoothly functioning community”? Why isn’t it strangers’ awareness and respect of the diversity of people’s religious beliefs and practices?
Why is it that me saying, “Your greeting doesn’t actually apply to me,” is framed as equivalent to hitting people with staffs. Why isn’t the over-generalization of a specific religious holiday framed as the offensive thing?
Why is it that the simple, polite expression of my preferences is characterized as “rabid”?
These are all part of what I’m getting at. In general, members of a privileged majority class prefer to imagine that minorities don’t exist, because the presence of minorities threatens the privilege that the majority members enjoy. So a minority member (in this case, non-Christmas-celebrating people, including atheists like myself) simply exposing his or her existence is characterized as violent, “rabid,” and contrary to a smoothly-functioning-society. If by “smoothly-functioning,” you mean, “maintaining the dominant Christian status quo,” you’re right. I’d prefer to live in a society where awareness and respect for diversity was the way things went smoothly.
#3 by Issa at December 23rd, 2009
@kleer001 Wow. You think faking it and pretending to be something you’re not is “essential to perpetuating good feelings and a smoothly functioning community”? That allowing people to continue the deluded belief that everyone is just like them is some sort of positive good? I don’t understand.
Actually, I think that people *are* capable of accepting that other people are different. On other topics than religion, this isn’t so hard. For example, this comes up for me when strangers in public try to talk to me about sports. I’ve had a store clerk say something like, “Are you stocking up for the big game?” I don’t even know what game they’re talking about, but I understand the mistake they’ve made, so I just laugh, and casually say, “No, I’m not really into sports.” They usually take this in stride, because they understand that not everyone is into sports.
It is *possible* for the exchange to go similarly about religion. At a doctor’s office the other day, a nurse asked me if I was ready for Christmas. I said, “Oh, I don’t celebrate Christmas.” As we were leaving, she said, “Have a safe trip home, and a happy New Year.” There. How hard is that? We still have good feelings, and our community is still intact.
It’s okay if the conversation is a bit awkward. Maybe it really is the first time the other person realizes that not everyone celebrates the same holidays. It’s awkward for me, too, sometimes to learn about the ways in which I differ from someone. If you respond angrily, or are offended that the other person didn’t fall into line with your banter, or insist that they keep their differences to themselves, though – *that* is what harms good feelings and breaks down community.
#4 by kleer001 at December 23rd, 2009
@ Joshua Bardwell. I certainly didn’t come here to piss in your cornflakes. I’m sorry, swap out the “you”s for “i”s. I’m just tellin’ you how I do it. Can’t argue with what works on either side.
Me, I live in a city. There’s some study done, if I remember right, where an older actor fainted in the middle of town. You can easily guess what happened. Different environments, stresses, cultures, expectations, niches. Isn’t it wonderful how many different ways there are to successfully get along in the world?
@Issa. Pretending what you’re not? That’s camouflage. That’s a sure win for the organism/species that can nail it. You can manipulate all sorts of expectations, make your life easier, less death, more survival. It’s just another strategy to live in all these varied ecologies we find ourselves in, we rare sentient beings.
Nice burningMan map tat. That yours?
#5 by Joshua Bardwell at December 23rd, 2009
@Kleer: No pissing in the cornflakes going on, just disagreeing. You know, that wonderful diversity I’m such a big fan of
For the “Why do you…” questions, I’m not so much specifically asking you. Those are just the kinds of questions that come to mind when presented with responses like yours. I think they’re valid questions, but I also think there are a variety of agreeable answers too. The fun is in the thinking about them, not necessarily in coming up with the “one right answer.”
Regarding camouflage, I just don’t think it’s a useful strategy for a minority to pretend to be just like the majority. It can save a particular individual a particular hassle on a particular day, but overall, it just adds up to perpetuation of the oppression.
#6 by Issa at December 24th, 2009
@kleer001 I agree that camouflage is a useful strategy for survival, and one that I do utilize. There are a couple of things I can think of that come into play when I choose *not* to blend in. One is that not every one can do that – not all differences are able to be hidden. Also, not everyone is strong enough to fight every battle (including myself). I think it’s important to address the smaller battles when I’m able, because it sets the stage that makes it easier on those who can’t. If we hide all the little differences, it makes it harder on all of us when the big differences come up.
Re: BRC map. Yep, it’s mine. I traced it from the satellite image of BRC 2006. It’s on my upper middle back.
#7 by Lovelace at December 25th, 2009
One alternate response that comes to mind would be, “Happy Friday!” or solstice/whatever. It returns the well-wishing while also conveying that it’s just another Friday to you. It just occurred to me while reading this post, as I face a similar dilemma this time of year. It’s not that I mind people wishing me a merry Christmas, as part of the holiday is about spreading joy. I’m certainly open to that, but other than being an excuse to spend time with my family, it really is just another Friday to me.
#8 by Joshua Bardwell at December 26th, 2009
@Lovelace: I do like the idea of using an alternative, neutral greeting as a response. I worry about it coming off as passive-aggressive, though. I realize that my other responses may come off as overtly aggressive, but then, given the choice between the two, I prefer the latter.
#9 by kleer001 at December 29th, 2009
Just to take this to it’s thoroughly absurd and humorous logical conclusion along the slippery slope and make with a ‘Cuius est solum eius est usque ad coelum et ad inferos’:
I say let us all keep track of all the various calendars their various fetes and celebrations and greet each fellow man (intuitively knowing his preference for one set of arbitrary blocks of time to observe over any other) with the appropriate salutation at the proper time.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_calendars
Happy Gregorian New Year to all an’ sundry!
p.s. In all sincerity I think it’d be kinda spooky, but neat if this proposition were actually possible. Maybe with some type of cyber-scent, sniffing out other people’s public data off their calendar. Sniff, sniff… oh hey, Happy Birthday!
#10 by Joshua Bardwell at December 29th, 2009
I don’t expect anyone to intuitively know my preferences, but I want them to be respected when I express them.