There’s a phenomenon that I’ve observed in advertising. It’s a bit subtle and I’m not exactly sure how to describe it, so I’ve been taking photos (mostly phone-cam) of examples whenever I see them, and I’ve finally got enough to make a post out of it.

The phenomenon has two basic forms. In the first form, the advertising attributes what I’d call “unreal” qualities to the product. For example:

The tag-line in this Bombay Sapphire ad is The Spirit of Exploration. The ad shows an exotic locale. How is the act of buying and drinking gin an “exploration”? Unless you’re referring to the exploration of your own intoxication, which can be accomplished equally well using any number of other liquors.

In the above photo, Burger King’s coffee is described as Good Hard-Working Coffee. Again, I’m confused. Coffee does not work. It isn’t lazy either. It’s liquid.

In the second form of the phenomenon, the product is advertised with qualities that ought to be self-evident, which leaves me wondering why the hell anybody is bothering to advertise them. For example:

Gosh. Thanks for telling me on the side of the cup that my drink is Good N’ Cold. You know, the temperature sensors in my own skin weren’t adequate to tell me that. I expect product packaging to lie to me about the qualities a product has, but have advertisers become so post-modern in their approach that they’re now not even bothering to make up grandiose claims about their products? “This drink? Yeah. It’s cold.”

Here’s another one:

This Pizza Hut box helpfully informs me that Now You’re Eating. I am? Shit! What the fuck did I think I was doing with this pizza that you just delivered?

Finally, I present to you the coup de grace. I’m not sure which category this example belongs, but it’s too good to leave out.

Here, the product packaging spins the simple act of selecting a medium drink cup into a deeply personal statement about the customer. Is this the kind of interaction that people want from their fast food companies? Obviously, there is some irony intended in this statement, but even so, I’m astounded that this isn’t a catastrophic turn-off to most of BK’s customers. It seems insulting. I just want to say, “Please. I’m drinking a soda. Noting more, nothing less.” If I’m the kind of person who “knows exactly what I want in life,” I god damn well hope it’s something more meaningful than a medium soda (versus a small or a large).

I wonder what the small and large cups say.